How to Break Up with Toxic Friends
In my opinion, we outgrow friendships like we outgrow clothes. Some are like comfy sweats you’ve had since college: resilient, a little rough, but cozy, lived-in and there for you. Others are like that trendy shoe you bought in a flash sale that weren’t quite the right fit, but after investing in them, you’re in too deep to turn back. Then you have no one to blame but yourself when you get blisters or in my case anxiety & heartache from being squeezed into something that never you never truly felt secure in.
I invest in my friendships. A lot.
So I would rather endure pain and anxiety than lose them. Even if the friendship is painful, at least I know they’re present.
But what about when people start to fade away? Shrinking into bad habits or completely turning into triggering careless monsters?
This is what happened to me.
After nearly 15 years I had to dissolve a best-friendship. It hurt like hell, but it’s nothing compared to the pain of letting my ex-friend mistreat and emotionally abuse me.
And honestly, I enjoyed being the friendship savior. I felt noble for having put up with their shadiness and bullshit for so long. I also felt sorry for them — like no one really understood their pain like I did. Since I’d been around the longest out of most of their friends, I felt as if I owed it to them to stick around.
I was watering our friendship through thick & thin while this person discarded friends like trash at the first sign of conflict.
Real, honest friendships should not be single-use.
It’s easier to believe you’re able to save a relationship that isn’t working than to admit that you keep choosing unhappiness with someone who isn’t worthy of you.
Take my advice. Disengage!
We often hold on to people who don’t serve us to prove our former self right for choosing them in the first place.
I’ve gotten stuck in this cycle for years with friends and relationships alike. Having ended one of my longest friendships last week, I feel like sharing my process.
How you know your friend is toxic:
They have a low boiling point: Healthy friendships are stable ones with a basis of honesty and trust. If you feel like you can’t be honest with a friend without setting them off, you’ve got yourself deep in a toxic friendship. You may find yourself having to tiptoe around their emotions in order to avoid conflict.
They lie; fabricate stories, and create issues where there are none: Toxic egos live for drama and thrive in chaotic environments. They like to kick up dust because it makes them feel like they have power. They will do just about anything to create a situation where they can center themselves.
They will find ways to play the victim: OFTEN. So often, in fact, that it makes you think that they are too frail to handle more blows. This is a classic narcissistic move to hook you into sympathizing with their abusive cycle and to keep you docile.
They take critiques as criticism: Toxic egos never want to show weakness. They’ve spent a long time curating an image to certain people and within certain spaces that they have complete control over. So when that image takes a hit — even an insignificant one — they take it personally.
Signs it’s time to move on:
They manipulate others: If you see an abusive or manipulative pattern in them disparaging their own circle (in my case, it was this person’s partner) or YOUR friends, the toxicity is spreading.
They avoid, dissociate, disengage, or completely withdraw from friendships that were once active: Or, in my case, they ghost you completely. For no discernible reason.
They pick fights or gaslight you: Toxic egos love a good argument. Especially one where they can walk away feeling empowered. This is why toxic people often lash out or use manipulative behaviors to pick fights over petty things.
They don’t apologize or take responsibility for their actions: Toxic personalities likely will glaze over any wrong-doing or harm they’ve caused. If they even admit fault.
How to confront them:
Verbal notice: You can call them, meet in=person, or even leave a voice note. Meeting in person may leave you feeling a bit exposed and at the mercy of their toxic manipulation in real-time, tough.
Written notice: This is the best option for people who feel like they might crumble or give into fear tactics if/when confronting a friend verbally / in-person. In my case, I’ve written this person letters during prior toxic episodes. I’ve texted them at length to get them to see the error of their ways. I’ve tried and just not gotten through — not really ( as in, not enough for them to change their behavior). And not once has this person ever apologized to me.
No notice: Just leave them the fuck alone. Because you deserve better.
There are ways to engage in conflict without absorbing the chaos.
You’re human. Conflicts are going to happen with other humans. Specifically with those closest to you. But if there is more conflict than resolution, it’s time to move on.
What kept me from confronting this person for so long was the thought of their overreaction and subsequently losing them.
But upon examining their toxic patterns, I realized that this mentality is textbook manipulation. I was giving in to their ploy to sympathize so much that I withhold telling them how I really felt. I thought they were the one hurting when really, they were hurting me.
That’s exactly what toxic people want you to think.
Toxic people want to create an environment where their chaos can thrive undisturbed, only to blow it all up (and you with it) on a whim. When this delicate ecosystem no longer serves them, they would rather burn it all down than work on repairing it.
Toxic personalities have nothing to gain from preserving relationships with people who call out their bullshit. So this cycle will just keep happening between toxic people and honest friends.
The breaking point for confronting my toxic friend, after years of this manipulative behavior, was when I saw how much they centered themselves after my pleas for compassion. They cared so little about how their behavior was making me feel. This meant that they didn’t deserve to take up space in my life anymore.
I no longer cared about their reactions because they were no longer worthy of my compassion or my trust. They weren’t my friend.
And when I told them exactly how I felt, without the veil of friendship clouding my judgment, I felt fucking liberated.
When you come to a place where you can confront a toxic friend for your sake, regardless of their reaction, then you’ve truly won.
Because you’ve stopped placing their emotional needs above your own.
And that’s taking your power back.