The 7 Questions Every Sex Coach Gets Asked — Repeatedly
I’m sure I am not the only one who has been pondering their direction lately. And by lately, I mean the last 8 months. It’s been difficult dealing with communal grief, personal tragedy, and so much loss; loss of hope for the future, loss of community + connection, and - for some - a loss of connection to self.
We all had a certain identity or narrative about ourselves and our capabilities pre-COVID. This notion was shaken, if not obliterated by the trauma we’ve all had to endure — together. My identity/ego was heavily invested in burlesque performance & in-person workshop facilitation. I don’t have to tell you where both of those outlets went in 2020, but I will tell you how I am picking up the pieces.
I’m on track to becoming an ACS Certified Sexologist & Sex Educator! Which means that I’ve engaged in over 300+ hours of sexological research and have developed my own approach (under mentorship, theory study, and clinical practice) to intimacy+ sensual transformation coaching.
I've gotten a lot of the same questions along my journey into Sex Education and specifically about Sex Coaching. So, I figured I would enlighten everyone here.
The 7 Questions Every Sex Coach Gets Asked— Repeatedly
1. What does a Sex Coach do, exactly?
A Sex Coach is a sexuality professional who acts as an objective guide, providing education and consultation for consenting adults to define and then actualize their own sexual goals.
In The Art of Sex Coaching: Expanding Your Practice, Dr. Patti Britton says that “the Sex Coach pushes/guides/directs the client toward [their sexual] goals. Like all coaches, the sex coach holds a positive vision for the client. [The sex coach] can act as mirror for that client’s desire to reach exquisite goals for sexual pleasure.'“
In other words, Sex Coaching is just like any other coaching field, with the objective being a healthier, more fulfilling sex life. I prefer to call this Sensual Education, because not all education provided by a Sex Coach is strictly sexual. For the purpose of this article, I will continue to put this under the umbrella of Sex Coaching.
Some other questions (eye-roll):
Are Sex Coaches actually coaching, (y’know with a whistle and all) during sex?
Sex Coaches are not present for any sex acts. Unless they are a Sex/ual Surrogate (see below).
Do Sex Coaches have sex with their clients?
Not usually. Sex Coaching is talk-based coaching where clothes remain on for the client and the coach throughout the session. You might be thinking of Sexual Surrogacy (which may or may not be legal, depending on your current state’s laws). In Sex/ual Surrogacy sex acs may be introduced to a client for educational purposes and to develop experience. More on Sexual Surrogates here, because I do not do this work— which< I should add, is perfectly honest work that greatly helps people!
Please don’t assume that every Sex Coach is also a Sexual Surrogate.
2. What kind of sexual issues are addressed by a Sex Coach?
Anything related to sex! For a non-exhaustive (but helpful) list, head to my article Common Sex Concerns. Some of the most prevalent concerns a Sex Coach addresses are listed below.
General Sex Education & Sexual Anatomy — you know, just like you probably didn't get in school!
Sexual Skill deficiency — we ALL can learn more about pleasing ourselves & our partner(s)
Low Desire / Low Libido
Orgasm Difficulty and/or Loss of ability to Orgasm
Ethical Non-Monogamy and/or Partnering style issues
Communication Breakdowns
Fetish & Kink
Toy/Tool Recommendations
Relationship & Intimacy Advice
Sexual Identity
Porn & Sex Addiction and/or Dependency
Masturbation woes… and much, much more!
3. Is Sex Coaching the same thing as Sex Therapy?
No. No, no, no- a million times, no. Sex Coaching is Coaching. Sex Therapy is just that— therapy.
In short, Sex Coaching is not Sex Therapy. These are two very different fields that may cross paths, but largely do not overlap.
A Sex Therapist is a Licensed Mental Health Professional (or LMHP) with additional education and/or licensure in sexuality and sex education. Sex Therapy, specifically, uses psychological modalities to pathologize and/or perhaps diagnose & treat conditions. A Sex Therapist's focus can include delving into trauma, mental health issues, or past life events that shape or inform sexuality/ one’s sex life. A Sex Therapist can address mental health concerns, and a Sex Coach cannot.
A Sex Coach focuses specifically on sexual concerns in the present and developing a plan now and for the future. Sex Coaches address sexuality concerns but cannot diagnose conditions and are not Licensed Mental Health Professionals. Sex Therapists can be Sex Coaches, but Sex Coaches cannot be Sex Therapists. Get it?
It's also important to note that Sex Coaching is not regulated, meaning that you do not need a particular license to be a practicing Sex Coach. Which brings me to my next question...
4. Do you need to be certified/licensed to be a Sex Coach?
No! Sex Coaches do not have to be certified. Why? There is little regulation in the field of Sex Coaching, which is relatively new (popularized in the last 25 or so years). Aside from some large accrediting bodies and professional organizations like AASECT, ACS, & ISEE (and many more I’m forgetting) there is not one end-all-be-all regulatory body, program, or test that makes one a qualified Sex Coach/Sexuality Professional. In short, there ain't no Bar Exam for becoming a Sex Coach.
But that does not mean that the field should be dismissed or rejected as a profession.
While some Sex Coaches do the work of Coaching without certification or professional accreditation, I personally believe that some kind of accreditation should be pursued in anything you are trying to educate others about. Is this the path or answer for everyone? Certainly not.
I've seen sex educators and coaches come from backgrounds like Public Health, Sex Work, Journalism/Media, and plenty of other spaces/places. And you know what? I've learned valuable things from all of these sources! A lack of accreditation does not undo years of relative sexuality experience for a Sex Coach’s specialty or population.
That being said, I've learned so much from my comprehensive Sex Coach training that I can't say that accreditation means nothing— for me, it's utterly invaluable. My experience in the sex coaching program has made me a much more competent, well-versed, and confident Sex Coach. And a much better lover!
5. Why should someone pay for sex advice?
The same reason you would pay any expert; to do your taxes, design your website, plan your wedding, or fix your car. These experts have honed a set of skills that are valuable to you if and when you need them. Experts in their field have access, resources, and knowledge that you do not — yet. And, as always, taking preventative measures based on expert advice and experience is a good idea.
Sure, but why should you pay for ‘expert’ advice?
As with any type of coaching (fitness, finances, business, acting, writing), your investment lies in your own willingness to grow. You have to pay something in order for it to have value to you. You will take advice seriously if and when it comes from someone who you admire, respect, and revere. And, relatively speaking, people follow through with what they paid to do. This is also where a degree of separation comes in handy — because this is not your best friend's sex advice, let's be clear.
Think about the advice or pointers that you get from your friends; Is this advice completely unbiased? Is it objective? Is it coming from a place of education, training, and competency? Is this advice invested in challenging you? Is it telling you things you need to hear or what you want to hear? Is this advice challenging you to reflect & change, or to accept your fate and general 'stuck-ness'?
Each of these aspects is a valuable qualifier for a coach's relationship with their clients. And a good reason to pay for this valuable advice from a qualified source. A coach's mission is to challenge and aid your transition into leveling up any aspect of your life — so sex & pleasure is no exception to this!
Plus, it's not only advice you are getting; you are getting actionable goals, knowledge that is largely outside of your consciousness, and - most importantly - someone to hold you accountable. A good coach meets you where you are and helps you grow into the person you want to become. A great coach helps you grow past that.
If you are getting free advice, it's probably not well-researched, is unimplemented, or is not meant to make you really think — let alone create vast change in your life. Good advice disrupts patterns, while so-so advice is well... it's kinda like the boiled chicken of recommendations; it's sustenance, but is it really what you want to be feeding yourself?
In short, you will only invest in things that you can see a return on. And what better investment than in your own sex life and intimate relationships? In the end, coaching requires reciprocal investment; the client in the coach and the coach in the client. So, what are you worth?
6. How do I get started working with a Sex Coach?
It depends on the coach! A Sex Coach might have you do a Discovery Call, fill out an interest form, or wait until they reach out to you. To work with me, there are a few ways! You can start by heading to my Discovery Form. You can email me. Or you can hop on a free 15-min Discovery Call.
Full Disclosure: I am trying to focus my practice on helping BIPOC Women & Femmes — specifically those who may need help overcoming sexual trauma. This is not an outright qualifier anyone wishing to work with me, it's just where a lot of my experience lies. And remember y'all, I am not a LMHP. If you think we'd be a good fit, reach out in one of the ways above.
To find and work with other Sex Coaches; you can usually find a great Sex Coach by searching Sex Education hashtags on your preferred social media platform, asking your LMHP for recommendations, or you can go through accredited Sex Coach registries. I do not suggest googling this, loves. A great resource, would be an established Sex Coaching practice like the Sexology Institute.
7. What does a sex coaching session look like?
A sex coaching session is a private space within an allotted time where sexual concerns may be addressed at length between client and coach. It can be virtual, over the phone, or even in a series of text or emails! Sessions are a great space to explore physical, emotional, and mental blocks that manifest in your sex life without judgement, address body image and/or performance hang-ups, and to educate yourself about any sex/uality concern- truly.
I like to think of a Sex Coaching session as holding space for any concern related to why you may not be fully embodying your most sensual + sexual self. Which is hard as hell in these times, believe me. I am here to help!
So, you think you wanna be a Sex Coaching Client?
I always like to say, learn from other's mistakes, because you won't live long enough make all of your own. And hunny, I've made a lot of mistakes in the love, sex, & dating department. But I've learned, I've grown, I've studied really fucking hard for 2 years at this point, and I'm ready to offer a safe space and practical advice for those willing to grow within it. I want to help people make the best decisions for themselves surrounding their sex life & sensuality.
It makes me feel all gooey and lit-up inside.✨
In love & pleasure,
Ari, Sensual Educator & Facilitator